WHY SO SERIOUS?
(01001101 01110101 01100011 01101000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01000111 01110010 01100001 01100011 01101001 01100001 01110011 00100000 01000011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01100001 01110011 (note: translate binary code)
We didn’t know anything about this kind of thing. We learned. They explained it to us. We understood even less. But later on, “we grasped the concept holistically,” as they say. That is, not at all. But they were saying something about how we had been victims of a “high level” cyber attack. We of course put on our “no problem” face, the one that says: “the proper measures will be taken” and “we will pursue this case to its logical conclusion.” But really, we were asking ourselves if it happened because of all the times we ourselves go to the page in order to increase the number of visitors. “Some over-enthusiastic clicker” we thought. But that part is confidential, so we’d appreciate it if you didn’t make it public.
Later on they told us that calculations show that in the United States alone, the average annual cost of cyber attacks was 12.7 million dollars in 2014. We didn’t understand, I mean about the quantity. When they explained it to us, we panicked and ran to see if our pozol reserves had diminished. Nope. “Stable levels,” the guard said (this means there is enough for the homages and the seminar). At that point, all was still well. The problem was that in order to celebrate the fact that the cyber attack had not penetrated the solid vaults where we store the “gold of the LXIX century,” we had a party and a dance with the community DJs’ electronic music. The result? The strategic reserves were substantially reduced and now we have to replace them.
But, as they say, now it is official: neo-Zapatismo has entered the 21st century. Okay, okay, okay, we’re late, but keep in mind that it’s only 2015.
Did you think the image of modern Mexico lay in Beverly Hills shopping, helicopter travel, or an electoral ad? Wrong! Error 404! ¡Erreur! ¡Fehler! ¡Oшибка!
The webpage of the eezeeelen was cyber-attacked!
Okay, okay, okay, we don’t really know what that means (being so pre-modern, we’re only accustomed to attacks by soldiers, police, paramilitaries, and various ink-shitters), but it sounds so fancy, so classy, so first world.
Oh, I thought this day would never come! Let Sony, Microsoft, and Apple die of jealousy! Let Obama, Putin, and Merkel turn green with envy! Let Walmart, Carrefour, Tesco, and Metro swell with rage! Let Samsung, LG, and Motorola buy their antacids! Prostrate yourselves cola drinks, junk food and fast food! Don’t hide your humiliation International Monetary Fund, World Bank, and World Trade Organization!
We will take it for what it is: a small homage to our humble and quiet work of clicking on the webpage to raise our “web traffic” and soon, we will be collecting payments for advertising self-help courses, language classes in Elf, Dothraki, High Valerian, Klingon, and Na’vi, and of course, online offers from “The Speedy Huarache.”
Well in reality and in La Realidad, all this is nothing but a pretext to send you all an embrace and say:
Thanks to the gang, the plebes, the crew, the barrio, the homies, the brothers, the compas or whatever you call them, who lent a hand, some support, backup, and, as they say these days, “replicated” the content of the pages, the tweets, the Facebook, and the chats closest to their respective hearts. As this is sure to happen again, we want to reiterate once and for all: Thank you (please use the scientific method of “copy and paste” for this note of appreciation because it won’t be the last time you need it).
From the cyber-concierge, protecting himself with the hyper-modern firewall Pozolware 6.9.
SupGaleano, fighting with the cat-dog over the copyleft rights.
(Nah, really we’re fighting over the popcorn…but I got here first!)
Mexico, April 2015.
From the diary of the Cat-Dog:
Looking for who to blame:
-The trendy hypothesis of “Moderate Hysteria“:
It was without doubt the reptile-millennial-illuminati-narco-globalist-party follower-electoralists.
-The trendy hypothesis of “Misogynist High Politics“: It was Frank Underwood, but with bad advice from Claire… Okay, okay, okay, Petrov then?
-Report from Big Brother, received by the Pentagon: (Summary of observations from “The Situation Room” of the “East Wing” of the Zapatista Hexagon. Reporting: Echelon System. April 7, 2015. 2330 hours, Zulu time): Opinions were split: someone said it was us (the Pentagon), someone else said it was the Kremlin. Somebody else said Buckingham Palace, el Palacio de Hierro, [i] Liverpool, or Sears. Nobody said the Eifel Tower (this calmed them down because they were worried about their buddies from Tameratong)?
Some embittered soul said that they already knew that the new season of Game of Thrones was no good at all. Some indescribable character, something like a dog…or a cat…or vice versa, put up a sign that read: “Spoiler Alert.”
It sounded like they were about to come to agreement on something when the sound of a marimba being tuned was heard. The voices in the audio become chaotic, confused, and the only thing that can be made out is a kind of shout: “Pozol Agrio!” It must be some kind of alarm signal because the “Situation Room” and the whole east wing of the complex was quickly deserted.
(End of the report that demonstrates that the budget dedicated to spying is money thrown into cyberspace garbage).
-Section “There is a Trending Topic in your future.” Suggestions for solidarity hashtags:
(Grunts and snorts).
[i] “The Iron Palace,” an upscale chain of department stores in Mexico.
Originally Published in Spanish by Enlace Zapatista